Procrastination

My whole life is shoving crap in my face that I have to do all at once and the more stuff I get, the more I put off. Its really sad. Staying up untill midnight finishing papers and make up work, finally giving up and going to bed, going to school, finishing last touches during first blocks, practice, work or church or more homework.....oy. I hate school. Thank God it won't take me long to get my degree and I will be done with school. 3 more months and I will be done with stupid crap drama High School. :) yay.

Roller Coaster

Up-down-up-down, will my brain make up its mind before it throws up through my eye sockets? I don't get it...one second I'm normal (as normal as I can be) and the next I'm screaming and yelling at someone for something that I would usually just laugh at, and the next second I'm crying on my knees trying to keep those horrible thoughts out of my head-telling those voices to shut up and leave me alone. And once again I switch, I am now hyped up like an ADHD kid without his ridlin. I don't get it! What is the matter with me? Why can't I control this, its my body, my life, I should be able to control myself.
Although I have one constant...I'm thankful that it is a constant however I am un thankful that it haunts me so. This one that will never leave, never shut up. We have this love/hate relationship. I find myself hating her somedays, wishing I could live without her, but then I start to realize that I need her. I need her strength and her power that she holds over me.
Am I crazy? I guess I am...whatever.
Must go, the ride is starting again, I only get the brief break to stand up pick another seat and get back on the roller coaster.

Yes I dance DO in my underwear thank you very much!

Its amazing how much you miss something once you don't have it. I have been out of dance for a while now (other than the classes I took this summer) and I am really really missing it. I sooo want to take point but I am too old to start at "my level" or really what they think my level is because I've been out of it for so long. God I want to do it again. My mother doesn't think its a good thing to actually persue it because of the environment that is there, but I think it is so worth it, I mean as long as you go to the right kind of place then there is no problem...oy, I'm ranting...
In short...I need to dance.

What do you want?

Why you would basically disown me...not sure. Why you would just completly treat me like shit when I did nothing wrong...not sure. Why I will never be enough for you...really not sure. I try, I am not mean to you, I don't do anything to you, yet somehow I deserve to be walked on and ignored...as I recall we used to be friends. You "grew up" and became someone I hated...mind you I don't hate people, but I hated this person you were/are becoming. You pulled this "greater-than-thou" shit on me everyday, pointing out ever single little miniscule thing I did wrong. What do you want? What do you want from me? You are better than me I get it! You dont' have to rub it in my face day after day after day. Tell me what I am doing wrong and I'll fix it or deal with it and treat me with the same respect that I treat you.

I love you

Have you ever just stopped to think, what if today I get a phone call telling me that my brother/mother/father/sister/best friend/close relative died? Have you ever thought about what your reaction would be right then at that moment? Would you feel regret for not telling them that you love them or that the last time you talked to them you said something mean? Or would you not beable to move, talk, breathe because of the pain you are in, could you comprehend it? How long would it take for you to stop crying?
I just came home from a funeral about 20 min. ago. All I can think right now is; please oh God, let my family and friends know I love them. I can't stop telling my family that I love them over and over, not knowing when I will see or hear from them again. I am living every single moment as if it were my last, trying not to screw things up, as I usually do. I hope that all of you know I love you, I hope that all of you know that I care so deeply about you. Please don't ever forget that. Please.
From this moment forward, please, tell your friends and family how you feel about them, don't waste a moment. This life doen't last long. Its here one minuet and gone the next. Treat it that way, make every moment count.Please. I love you, and don't forget that.