I have wondered if I could pick up everything and move away,
start a new life where no one knew me and I could start fresh. No history,
no baggage, nothing. But I don't think I could.

I just started a job and I like most of the people I work
with, they don't really know me so there are no preconceived opinions when I
come in, all of my impressions are just being made. I enjoy my job, I
really do, it's stressful and a little overwhelming at times but it's fun
and it's a great distraction. I couldn't leave them.

I am almost finished with Community College. I'm hopefully
transferring after one more semester and I don't think I could leave that
behind when I'm so close to finishing.

I have my pet ducks who I really don't want to leave until I have to. I
can't take them with me if I am to live in an apartment so I would have to
leave them with my parents. While I will be moving out within the next
year, I want to put that off as long as possible so as to not leave my ducks
until its necessary.

I have relationships in my life that part of me just wants
to walk away from so I don't have to feel the pain of them...but at the same
time I can't. I can't walk away from these people in my life. I can't walk
away from her even though she is a constant reminder of what I'm not and
what I can't have. I can't walk away from him even though just looking at
his face wrenches at my heart, knowing that he will never be more than what
he is to me now.

While there is that part of me that wants to flee, start
over from scratch, and leave behind everything that causes me pain, I can't.
Because when I leave behind the pain, I also leave behind a lot of joy. And
while the pain is overwhelming, it's worth it for those tiny, rare moments
of joy.

And so I stay. I stay and I go through the reminders,
through the pain, through the struggles and hard times...I stay.

Snap back to reality....oh, there goes gravity

So after spending friday and Saturday with my brother, which was really an awsome escape from my personal Hell....I'm coming back to reality...and I hate it. I don't want to be here. I am seriously at the point where I would love to just grab a bag of stuff and just drive...just leave, go somewhere where I can be me...I want to get away from school and work, I want to sleep...actually fucking sleep....I need a break, I need to run away from life for a while. My friend and I decided that either this weekend or next we are going to go on a road trip to somewhere, just to get away from life....but that probably won't happen for a couple weeks because if we were to go somewhere we would have to leave after she gets out of class around 6:30pm on a thurs. and I need to be back by Sat. night, and next weekend family is coming so it can't be then, and the weekend after is her fall break and I think she's going to be spending that with her parents....I just need out...


also, I did get my depo provera shot, and it ended my period within 24 hours and I had only been on it for 2 days...freaking awsome that I won't have any more periods...sorry random side note that was probably too much info

------

I got home last night at 10pm and just went to bed, I was really tired, and I figured I didn't have anything else to do, and if I go to bed now it will be easier to get up at a decent hour in the morning...well I didn't get out of bed till about 11:30am, and I haven't done anything so far today...I have class at 4pm which means I have to leave at 3:30...which means I have just over an hour to do something productive, like actually clean up Justin's room so I can start moving back into my room...I would like to get a quick shower before class, but I don't think that's going to happen.
Well, I think the plan is to get some more coffee after I finish this...start taking of all the laundry in Justin's room and putting it in my room (atleast, if not starting a load in the wash...) and putting my laptop and printer back in my room so that I have more incintive to go to my room when I get home instead of Justin's...then maybe I will just rinse my hair because I have major bed head right now and that's the only way to get rid of it....then go to class, I am hoping sooo much that my professor will accept my essay since its late, and I can get the stuff I missed last class...then I will probably hang out with some friends that I always run into after I get out of class, and hopefully I will be able to go to the Y for a little bit because I haven't been going much lately and I need to be going more often and get back to going atleast like twice a week....then maybe when I get home I can do some homework, and just chill out for the rest of the night. So...with an hour and 20 min. left....here I go.

Trying to pick myself up...

Today I am attempting to let everything just roll off me (like water off a duck's back---gotta love that analogy). I am going to go see Justin tonight and stay there till tomorrow night. I'm really excited to go see him, I miss him a huge crazy amount! I'm hoping to leave work in about an hour and on my way out take up a friend of mine's suggestion and get some starbucks. Hopefully that tiny bit of expensive heaven will push me just far enough out of my personal hell that I have been living in and into something better long enough so that I can pick up on my "I'm so happy I'm with my brother" high and continue "living life" for a while.

Well, I really shouldn't be on here at work...I am patiently waiting for my opportunity to run away for a little bit...

It has been a very long day...and I've only been awake for 3 1/2 hours...

I hate when all of my faults come flying at me and hitting me in the face just proving how much of a fuck up I am...the sad thing...its been happening nearly every day for a while now...

___________________________

Civil Twilight "Human"

There’s one way out and one way in
Back to the beginning
There’s one way back to home again
To where I feel forgiven

What is this I feel, why is it so real
What am I to say

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear, that run through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human

I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do I begin, can I shed this skin
What is this I feel within

It’s only love, it’s only pain
It’s only fear that runs through my veins
It’s all the things you can’t explain
That make us human

*whimper* I want starbucks, a blanket and fluffy pillow...

So...I went to bed last night at 1:30a (typical time for me to go to bed). I had a hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep...well I wake up (sleeping in Justin's room so the window is blocked out and I can't tell if the sun is up or not, but it still looked dark) after rolling around uncomfortably for a while and realizing that I was wide awake, I looked at my phone and saw that it was 6:30am. That is just rediculous! I mean I know that I didn't want to sleep past 10, but geez. So now after getting my english book and reading my assignments for today, and doing just about nothing else all morning, I am really tired and want a nap sooo badly. But the Dell tech is supposed to come out and fix my laptop before I have to leave for class at 3:30p (in an hour and a half).
I seriously could fall asleep right now.
Ugh...

My week

This week has been busy.

Monday: Started school, had to miss one class for my ultra sound, and had another class till late at night.

Tuesday: Went and visited the high school colorguard, had class, then went and hung out with and old friend that was a foreign exchange student my junior year (she's visiting the USA).

Wednesday: Had class from noon till 10pm, found out that the program I want to transfer into next year is impossible to get into from a community college so now I have to either down grade into another similar program at that univeristy and try to transfer into the program later or pick a different school, My laptop decided to stop working.

Thursday: Had class, went and hung out with some old friends and saw Dark Knight again.

Friday: Went to work for half a day, Mama and Daddy went for an overnight trip to DC, found out the results of the ultrasound is that I have 2 ovarian cysts on my right ovary, the doctor wants me to get on birth control to help shrink them if the pain continues, the Dell tech came out and replaced the mother board (which is what they assigned her to do) and she said when she first got there and looked at the computer that she thought they sent the wrong thing...well she was right, replacing the mother board did nothing so she called in and ordered a new LCD which won't get here till Tuesday so I'm still without my laptop which is really irritating, but atleast I got a free new mother board haha...well, later I was just kinda hanging out at home and decided to do some conditioning so I did 200 sit ups, plus other conditioning, Then I went and hung out with a friend at the best place to hang out in P-Town...good 'ol sheetz haha.

Today: I haven't done anything today. I'm really sore from all of my conditioning yesterday, and the Y closes early on Saturdays so I'm not going to do any excercising today, and just rest, and hopefully get some homework done.


Hopefully tomorrow I will go to the Y and work on the ellyptical for about an hour or so, and then Monday I'll do some conditioning and maybe go to the Y too if they are open on the holiday.
I have lots of homework that I should be doing...I'll probably start that soon and get as much done as I can before Monday so that I can just enjoy that day to do whatever I want. I can't do my english homework unfortunately untill Tuesday (heh, when its due) because I waited too long to get my books and then they ran out in the book store, and none of the bookstores in town have them in stock, so I ordered it off of Amazon because they do one day shipping but since Monday is a holiday it won't get here till Tuesday...I'm just hoping that it will get here by 2pm because I have 2 short stories to read and prepare to write journal entries on...arg..I hate that I wait till the last second to do everything. But I'm going to go ahead and do my stuff for my hybrid classes since its mostly on the computer.

Fucking pissed

Just spent all day at school, finally get home after a long day to see that my monitor will not display anything on my laptop. This has happened before and it was solved simply by jiggling the LCD cable, so I tried that before calling anyone...guess what...didn't work. Suprise suprise. So I just spent an hour on the phone with dell (30min of that on hold) to find out that my system board needs to be replaced. WOO FUCKING DOO! I'm so fucking happy about this I can't even keep it in, oh can't you tell????

So I have to sit on my ass waiting for someone to contact me about when someone is going to come and take care of this. Oh, and I have 2 hybrid classes that I have to get online for, and no offence mama, but your computer is slow as hell! So this is just going to be peachy keen!


Oh, and by the way...Doctor's office never called me back. Typical.

Waiting

So, yes I'm actually posting a blog...weird I know.

So, school started Monday. Not super excited about it although I am happy that I will have more of a schedual in my life. I'm sitting in the library right now because the wireless internet is super uptight about the sites that you visit, but for some reason you can do what ever you want in the library...I don't know, but my last class of the day is starting in about half an hour and will go untill 10pm, woo fun :P
I'm taking 17 credits this semester, and hopefully I'm going to continue working as well, so its going to be a pretty busy semester for me.

So...I am waiting for some results from an ultrasound I got on Monday...playing phone tag today with the doctor's office, and will hopefully get those results by the end of the day. I have been having pains in my right lower abdomen area (my right ovary basically) and have recently developed about 5 lymphnodes in the same area...so I'm probably fighting some sort of infection, but I don't know what yet. While I'm waiting patiently, I am also quietly worried. I have a history of ovarian cysts, and troublesome periods, so I really don't know what it could be, and I'm just worried that it could be something worse than a cyst this time. But, I'm staying patient.

Its a very quiet, rainy day today. Its weird having to wear a thick jacket at the end of August.

::Moment of the day:: (so far)
Sitting in my car eating dinner and sipping my starbucks, looking in my rear view mirror to see a man loading his groceries into his car with a shower cap on. :D made me seriously giggle for a good like 2 min. I thought it was thoroughly entertaining.

Hopefully I will be updating more often now that I have access to more computers (my laptop has issues with blogger for some reason.

Hope all is well with everyone.

A post for a future post

This is simply to let you all know (those of you who check this) that I am unable to sign on to my account on my laptop and that is the reason for my hiatus...There will be a regular post coming sometime in the near future.

Just letting you all know that I am alive and well, and intend on giving further information in the near future.

hehe, I sound like a news reporter or something :P

A Pointless Post

For the past few days I have been walking in a very thick fog. The combination of very little sleep and being stressed out with various things is taking its toll. I have no room to complain about my situation when I know that others are going through such worse cercumstances. But, I'm tired, very tired, and I can't sleep even when I try.
My Jojo got me a little hooked on Ingrid Michaelson recently, and there is a song of hers that I really like, well there are more than just one obviously. It is called "Keep Breathing" and it says "All I know is I'm breathing, all I can do is keep breathing" I feel that way lately.
Because we are just breakable girls and boys.

Thank you Jojo for introducing me to Ingrid. :)

Time-I have none of it

Isn't it funny how you always try to prove to the people around you that you are actually doing your best and that you don't do those things that they say you do...and then right after they say that...you do them, and you realize that you aren't doing your best...not even close. And then what do you do? Say "oh sorry you were right" and then just continue to do it? Or do you actually get off your ass and start trying, actually trying and not putting things off. No, apparetnly I can't.

I go through the week saying "if I can just get to Friday, then I can actually get some sleep and I can catch up on all of my homework and I can get some cleaning done and I can spend some time with the ducks so that they're not so neglected all the time." And you know what happens? I don't do shit through the week, so I end up having to cram everything into the last few hours of Sunday night without falling asleep because I'm still not getting enough sleep even though I should be because there has to be time because I'm not doing anything productive so what else could I possibly be doing? And then I get back to school on Monday morning and I'm exhusted and I didn't even get all of my work done because I was so tired the night before and it was 2 am and I still wasn't finished.
I think the portion of the brain that contains commonsense doesn't exist in my head.

I am supposed to be going to NC Thurs. shortly after I get out of class, well, due to the fact that I put alot of things off for way too long and other circumstances out of my control, I won't be leaving untill much later and I will have to be rushing around trying to leave...not what I wanted. But, then again, when do we ever get what we want when we can't even to the things that need to be done?

*sigh* I'm done blabbing, atleast right now.
I am just so tired of never doing the things that need to get done, and when I do, its not done right or on time.

When my heart can't get the words to my mouth...Music does it for me

Headlock
--------
I've been walking, you've been hiding,
And you look half dead half the time.
Monitoring you, like machines do,
You've still got it, I'm just keeping an eye
______________________________________________
Hide and Seek
--------------
Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to form,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
.................
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah of course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?
________________________________
Loose Ends
-----------
It's complicated... this time, I think it could be.
Triangulated, it could be just what we need...
So what you say... we give it up and walk away?
Nothing to salvage, anyway.
............
Not now, not ever, no... it's never a good time.
How will the good times ever roll along?
Comparing photos then and now.
Just wondering...wondering...where it all went wrong.
.............
Want to, oh, need to, oh, Try to, oh none of the above...
_______________________________
Shine
-----
Rain drain my play away
Sun gun me down and burn me
Nature hates me today
My head distorts reality

Madness just moved into my shadow

Shine - I will not cry and I will not die no
Shine - I will be there for me
Shine - I will not cry and I will be mine
I'll shine - shine

Who waltzed me into this
Am I now stuck here forever?
Luck just gave me a kiss
Then lashed me down with a leather strap

Trying to learn to swim without any water

Trying just to begin just when youre in for the slaughter
___________________________________
Speeding Cars
-------------
Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don’t feed me violence, just run with me
Through rows of speeding cars
The paper cuts, the cheating lovers
The coffee’s never strong enough
I know you think it’s more than just bad luck
___________________________________
The Walk
--------
Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this
................
Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don't make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.
...............
Big trouble losing control,
Primary resistance at a critical low,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return one second to go,

No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
Total overload, systems down, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it
_________________________________________
Just For Now
-------------
Just for now
...........
It's that time of year
Leave all our hopelessness's aside
If just for (just for now) a little while
tears stop right here
I know we've all had a bumpy ride.
I'm secretly on your side
..............
Well I, quit kicking me under the table
I'm trying; will somebody make her shut up about it?
Can we settle down please?
.................
Lie down
Deep breaths
Count to ten
Nod your head
.................
Pour me another
Oh, don't wag your finger at me
..............
Will ya get me outta here
Get me outta here
Get me outta here


Thank you again Imogen Heap

The Walk

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don't make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control,
Primary resistance at a critical low,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return one second to go,

No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
Total overload, systems down, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it

Freeze, awake here forever, I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault.

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It's all your fault

(Curtousy of Imogen Heap)

Happy New Years!

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And days of auld lang syne
And there's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand to thine
We'll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne"

Whenever I have sung or heard this song I never knew the words nor knew what any of it ment. I looked it up tonight and realized that it talks about not forgeting your old friends and living like the "good old days". Giving help to your friends and being kind with everyone. Its a great song, and I think that this weekend has kind of brought that about. Remembering being a child and playing with my aunt and uncle and grandparents and watching fireworks and tv and laughing and just having a good time.
I love my family, I really do, I enjoy spending time with all of them laughing at nothing and cying at everything and staring off in space doing nothing. I'm glad that I could be a kid again this weekend and enjoy my family's company.

Happy New Year.