I have wondered if I could pick up everything and move away,
start a new life where no one knew me and I could start fresh. No history,
no baggage, nothing. But I don't think I could.

I just started a job and I like most of the people I work
with, they don't really know me so there are no preconceived opinions when I
come in, all of my impressions are just being made. I enjoy my job, I
really do, it's stressful and a little overwhelming at times but it's fun
and it's a great distraction. I couldn't leave them.

I am almost finished with Community College. I'm hopefully
transferring after one more semester and I don't think I could leave that
behind when I'm so close to finishing.

I have my pet ducks who I really don't want to leave until I have to. I
can't take them with me if I am to live in an apartment so I would have to
leave them with my parents. While I will be moving out within the next
year, I want to put that off as long as possible so as to not leave my ducks
until its necessary.

I have relationships in my life that part of me just wants
to walk away from so I don't have to feel the pain of them...but at the same
time I can't. I can't walk away from these people in my life. I can't walk
away from her even though she is a constant reminder of what I'm not and
what I can't have. I can't walk away from him even though just looking at
his face wrenches at my heart, knowing that he will never be more than what
he is to me now.

While there is that part of me that wants to flee, start
over from scratch, and leave behind everything that causes me pain, I can't.
Because when I leave behind the pain, I also leave behind a lot of joy. And
while the pain is overwhelming, it's worth it for those tiny, rare moments
of joy.

And so I stay. I stay and I go through the reminders,
through the pain, through the struggles and hard times...I stay.