Sleep?

Ever since the week of the funeral, sleep has been non-existant for me. Lots and lots of travel, then coming back to school and playing catch up, and then midterms, which means not only do you have lots of test and portfolios to turn in but the professors also get a huge kick out of seeing how much you can handle at once. Obviously, I'm not getting the whole time managment thing down. All this week I have been up really late. Monday, I had just gotten in bed and was trying to wind down from the caffine I had to pump into my body just to finish my homework (which due date turned out to be extended), when I heard daddy's alarm go off(5am). Last night I was up late...some time after 1am. And tonight, again I am up ungodly early, even for me the only night owl of the family, is up too late. So, why am I doing this? Because I finished my homework and I'm too wound up to be able to sleep yet...
I'm not sure how much longer I can function on this little sleep with so much school work...and yet, I sat here making a list on how many hours I will be doing homework this weekend in order to be completely caught up and a tiny bit ahead in english (becuase English sucks)...about 24 hours theoretically will be spent, soley for homework.
*yawn* ok...I think I am going to pack up my bag for tomarrow and go to sleep. Hopefully I will actually be able to. So, good morning, and thanks to all those who read my pointless rantings.

Good morning insomniacs of the world.

Life...

I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. I don't even know why I am trying, since I know that the people who do read this, don't understand what it is I feel, and those who just might understand, will never see this.

Lets just say, life hasn't been peachy keen lately. I have virtually no money, and stuggling to get by. I'm fully loaded with school work, going everyday, just going to class, learning, and going home to do homework. No friends, no hanging out with people in the library or student lounge. Occationally I will eat lunch with my mother...how pittiful is that? I am 18 years old, all of my friends have moved away and I talk to them maybe every 2 weeks, and I am unable to make new friends or even find people I can just hangout with. Instead, I spend my lunch break either with my mother or in my car in the parking lot.

So, tonight I realize how sad my little life is...all of my friends from High School are on fall break and are getting together, I was invited, but the worst part is...I am in no way interested in the event. I would rather stay at home in my pjs and watch tv or do homework. And once again, I realize that I fit in no where. I never fit in with any of my friend's friends, with my classes, with my family. I don't fit in. The whole world around me is a puzzle that is putting itself together and I am the one piece that is all bent and frayed with corners missing...I don't fit.
So who do I turn to when I can't even talk to my best friend, what does it mean when all of those things I used to be able to talk about all the time with her are now so hard to explain and just so much easier to bottle up inside? Yes, I can pull out the "God is always there" BS card, but what good would that really do? God doesn't hold me at night when I'm crying myself to sleep. God doesn't comfort me when the pain won't stop and all I want to do is scream. God doesn't give me feedback on what I should do in a tough situation...in fact, God doesn't give me feedback on anything. So, in response the the copout answer of "God is always there" or "God is always your friend" its bull shit. He's not, if he was my friend I would know that he was there, instead of wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why no one in this damn place wants to be around me.

If he is supposed to be the great comforter, then why do I feel no comfort?
If he is supposed to be omni-present, then why am I always so alone?