I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. I don't even know why I am trying, since I know that the people who do read this, don't understand what it is I feel, and those who just might understand, will never see this.
Lets just say, life hasn't been peachy keen lately. I have virtually no money, and stuggling to get by. I'm fully loaded with school work, going everyday, just going to class, learning, and going home to do homework. No friends, no hanging out with people in the library or student lounge. Occationally I will eat lunch with my mother...how pittiful is that? I am 18 years old, all of my friends have moved away and I talk to them maybe every 2 weeks, and I am unable to make new friends or even find people I can just hangout with. Instead, I spend my lunch break either with my mother or in my car in the parking lot.
So, tonight I realize how sad my little life is...all of my friends from High School are on fall break and are getting together, I was invited, but the worst part is...I am in no way interested in the event. I would rather stay at home in my pjs and watch tv or do homework. And once again, I realize that I fit in no where. I never fit in with any of my friend's friends, with my classes, with my family. I don't fit in. The whole world around me is a puzzle that is putting itself together and I am the one piece that is all bent and frayed with corners missing...I don't fit.
So who do I turn to when I can't even talk to my best friend, what does it mean when all of those things I used to be able to talk about all the time with her are now so hard to explain and just so much easier to bottle up inside? Yes, I can pull out the "God is always there" BS card, but what good would that really do? God doesn't hold me at night when I'm crying myself to sleep. God doesn't comfort me when the pain won't stop and all I want to do is scream. God doesn't give me feedback on what I should do in a tough situation...in fact, God doesn't give me feedback on anything. So, in response the the copout answer of "God is always there" or "God is always your friend" its bull shit. He's not, if he was my friend I would know that he was there, instead of wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why no one in this damn place wants to be around me.
If he is supposed to be the great comforter, then why do I feel no comfort?
If he is supposed to be omni-present, then why am I always so alone?
