A friend asked me recently if I had a "special someone", when I replied that I did not and have not for a while, he asked if I did want someone. My response was "yes and no"...this of course envoked an elaboration...here in, is such...
I want someone to love, and I want a family, and I need a husband to have a family, and to find a husband I need someone whom I love unconditionaly and whom loves me the same way and equally. I want a friend that I can touch and hold and lean on and share a hand with. But I am afraid to love, afraid to mess things up again, afraid to hurt either someone else or myself...I don't want to deal with the stress of it all, the pain of it, the miscommunications, the non-communication, and the actual communication. I don't want to hurt the whole time I am in love, all though that is mostly what love entails. I want love...but I don't.
And then there's the problem of when I actually go after love and it is not returned, when no one around me seems to want me, or want the same things I want at the same time...except one, only one and he does not want me or love me and I cannot have him, want him or love him. He is engaged. Therefore, offlimits, even to ask if the emotions are mutual, is out of the question. Now, the question that is sure to follow that statement is surely "do you love him?" The answer is no, now would I want to love him, and want the same things in return? Absolutly. But I cannot, and will not.
So, I am left here, alone and without love.
My friend in which this convorsation began, asked me, in simpler terms, how I am reacting to this sort of situation. Response: I am lonely, empty, unwanted, wanting, indifferent, tired, content, uncontent, and trying not to care.
So, I leave you now with my favorite quote of all time that I try so hard to live by and has proven as difficult as it portays itself to be.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return."
3 comments:
It is the hardest thing to learn. It took me a long time, especially the being loved in return thing.
You have a big heart and tender heart. As is true with most things, the work and the pain are worth the reward.
Love is something we learn and have to practice.
Not that it is the same... but you love your family BIG and WELL and are willing to risk pain in that investment. That shows you can and will love well with your future love. I know not the same. Speak-a-fying again.
Love you.
Proud of your truth and honesty.
You love so beautifully!!
I am glad you are willing to risk love with me... even though it is not the same as partner/lifemate/spouse love.
How you love with us is a shadow of how you will love with your future "him".
I LOVE that quote! It is so true and your mama is right, you do have a big heart and love well. Knowing all these things now is so WISE!!! Take it from one less wise who chose to settle. If I had known how much God valued me, I would not have consented to accept less than I deserved for me and for my family.
I love you and too am proud of you and your capacity for love, your strength and your wisdom!
:0) Your silly aunt Jo-Jo!
Me it's the opposite: I am married, stable and have everything I ever wanted. But I want someone else and that person does not want me. Maybe because I'm engaged, maybe because he does not care. Either way, I feel empty, insecure, fragile. But you know what? I would not change it for the world.
I prefer to love even it's forbidden because without love, it would not feel like life. And life is hell.
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