My love for guard

Over the last four years I have spent over 1000 hours practicing, almost $3,000, and have preformed close to 100 times for colorguard and winterguard. I have poured my heart and soul into this program, many times putting my health at risk for the better of the team and program. When I first cam to tryouts for junior guard in eigth grade I had no idea that I would give care or love so much for this program. But just the same I had no idea that I would recieve so much in return. Guard is the one and only thing that I got right, the only thing that I am good at.
When I am watching a really good guard (ex: Pride, Fantasia, Aimatchi, Onyx, West Johnson, ect.) my heart starts pounding in my chest, I find myself holding my breathe, hardly blinking because I don't want to miss a single moment, on the edge of my seat. Being able to experience that and being able to be a part of that is one of the greatest gifts I could recieve.I am now having to let go of all of this, having to say goodbye to these things that I love to do, the people that I do it with, and I never realized how hard it was going to be. Yes, I still have the possibility of marching corps or going independent however, money problems still get in the way, so I might not. It is just so hard to let go of the thing that my life has centered around for the past 4 1/2 years, to move on from the thing that has been my life. But I guess that is a part of "growing up" and "becoming an adult." (which I know I truly won't for a few years now...I'm still a kid)
Tonight, after alittle tiny encouragment, I started to look at what corps I would want to march if I do, and what independent guard I would join. I started to realize that not only do I really really want to march corps and independent, but I have no idea how I'm going to either afford it or get sponsored or even have time for it....the "plan" is that I am taking the summer off from guard other than any spinning I do on my own and maybe a First Flight camp, then I will join the Powhatan Independent guard (if it exists) or another, and then the next summer I will join a corp, my dream is to either join the Blue Devils or Phantom Regiment....wow, I'm a BIG dreamer...but that's just me I guess, always getting my hopes up.