Christmas Eve! :)

This is a delayed post for yesterday, my computer died while I was starting this...But, it was a good day. We straightened up and got dinner ready, and Manda and Julie came over to excange gifts and the Toneys exchanged one gift from each other. We had a blast. Afterwards, Manda, Justin, Mama, and I went and got Daddy's new chair and set it up all pretty. I took Manda home and got a cheesecake on the way out. :)
But I think I will let the pics talk for themselves. :)

2 Days 'till Christmas!

It's almost Christmas! :) I have spent the last 2-3 days doing last min. shopping and wrapping presents and getting ready for the holiday. Today, Mama and I went out for our very last presents to buy, and then we sat and watched A Christmas Story while we ate lunch. Tonight we wrapped presents and watched the Incredibles, and afterward I made cookies...I love cookies.
Its Christmas time...and it makes me happy. I spent 2 hours in bed last night unable to sleep because I was thinking about Christmas and how much I love it.
Merry Christmas!

I want to see this, and would love to be on it...

New Show

Before and After

So I don't look plastic, but I do look like Frankenstine's child... :)
Well, the actual procedure went ok, it freaked me out (hearing you own skin being cut is really wierd), and the medicine in the shot burned like hell, but other than that it was fine. It hurts on and off now, mostly it hurts in my cheek bone and jaw, and occasionally the muscles spaze. But, I am now ScarFace. :P

going under the knife...

Well, in about 10 min. I leave to go to the plastic surgeons'to get my cyst removed. I don't think I'm scared, cause they're not even putting me under...it just freaks me out that knives are going to be so close to my eye. But, Later today I will probably be loopy and numb and not feel a thing, untill tomorrow.

Love...a fickle thing.

A friend asked me recently if I had a "special someone", when I replied that I did not and have not for a while, he asked if I did want someone. My response was "yes and no"...this of course envoked an elaboration...here in, is such...

I want someone to love, and I want a family, and I need a husband to have a family, and to find a husband I need someone whom I love unconditionaly and whom loves me the same way and equally. I want a friend that I can touch and hold and lean on and share a hand with. But I am afraid to love, afraid to mess things up again, afraid to hurt either someone else or myself...I don't want to deal with the stress of it all, the pain of it, the miscommunications, the non-communication, and the actual communication. I don't want to hurt the whole time I am in love, all though that is mostly what love entails. I want love...but I don't.

And then there's the problem of when I actually go after love and it is not returned, when no one around me seems to want me, or want the same things I want at the same time...except one, only one and he does not want me or love me and I cannot have him, want him or love him. He is engaged. Therefore, offlimits, even to ask if the emotions are mutual, is out of the question. Now, the question that is sure to follow that statement is surely "do you love him?" The answer is no, now would I want to love him, and want the same things in return? Absolutly. But I cannot, and will not.
So, I am left here, alone and without love.

My friend in which this convorsation began, asked me, in simpler terms, how I am reacting to this sort of situation. Response: I am lonely, empty, unwanted, wanting, indifferent, tired, content, uncontent, and trying not to care.

So, I leave you now with my favorite quote of all time that I try so hard to live by and has proven as difficult as it portays itself to be.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return."

ACC Championship! Go Tech!!!

Over the river and through the woods...

Thanksgiving! Mama and I are going to N.Va. to visit the Maynards. Lots of cooking and eating and talking in store. :) I love that I get to see the Maynards and the Junior Maynards, but I really don't like that we will be leaving Daddy and Justin at home. Daddy's working and Justin has school work. But I guess they will be having their own Thanksgiving with the cat and the ducks. :)
So, to everyone who is going to celebrate Thanksgiving, wherever you will be, Happy Thanksgiving. And have a great time.

Such greatness to such sickness

==>
Well, after a whole wonderful weekend with my family, fully of great times and great memories...I got sick today, and I feel miserable. I am feeling alittle better now than I did this morning, but it is probably because I slept for 6 hours after everyone left. Daddy said to me tonight "what are you doing getting sick, its not Christmas yet" I would always get sick almost every Christmas, not sure why...just did. So, now I will either get sick again, or I will not get sick and break the record. lets hope its the latter.
I hate being sick.

Warning: I'm grouchy

I'm cold. I'm tired, and I'm grumpy. I just want to crawl under 2 blankets on the couch and watch movies for the next 72 hours. But I have to go to school for the next 4 days, which sucks ass, if I may add.

Sleep?

Ever since the week of the funeral, sleep has been non-existant for me. Lots and lots of travel, then coming back to school and playing catch up, and then midterms, which means not only do you have lots of test and portfolios to turn in but the professors also get a huge kick out of seeing how much you can handle at once. Obviously, I'm not getting the whole time managment thing down. All this week I have been up really late. Monday, I had just gotten in bed and was trying to wind down from the caffine I had to pump into my body just to finish my homework (which due date turned out to be extended), when I heard daddy's alarm go off(5am). Last night I was up late...some time after 1am. And tonight, again I am up ungodly early, even for me the only night owl of the family, is up too late. So, why am I doing this? Because I finished my homework and I'm too wound up to be able to sleep yet...
I'm not sure how much longer I can function on this little sleep with so much school work...and yet, I sat here making a list on how many hours I will be doing homework this weekend in order to be completely caught up and a tiny bit ahead in english (becuase English sucks)...about 24 hours theoretically will be spent, soley for homework.
*yawn* ok...I think I am going to pack up my bag for tomarrow and go to sleep. Hopefully I will actually be able to. So, good morning, and thanks to all those who read my pointless rantings.

Good morning insomniacs of the world.

Life...

I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. I don't even know why I am trying, since I know that the people who do read this, don't understand what it is I feel, and those who just might understand, will never see this.

Lets just say, life hasn't been peachy keen lately. I have virtually no money, and stuggling to get by. I'm fully loaded with school work, going everyday, just going to class, learning, and going home to do homework. No friends, no hanging out with people in the library or student lounge. Occationally I will eat lunch with my mother...how pittiful is that? I am 18 years old, all of my friends have moved away and I talk to them maybe every 2 weeks, and I am unable to make new friends or even find people I can just hangout with. Instead, I spend my lunch break either with my mother or in my car in the parking lot.

So, tonight I realize how sad my little life is...all of my friends from High School are on fall break and are getting together, I was invited, but the worst part is...I am in no way interested in the event. I would rather stay at home in my pjs and watch tv or do homework. And once again, I realize that I fit in no where. I never fit in with any of my friend's friends, with my classes, with my family. I don't fit in. The whole world around me is a puzzle that is putting itself together and I am the one piece that is all bent and frayed with corners missing...I don't fit.
So who do I turn to when I can't even talk to my best friend, what does it mean when all of those things I used to be able to talk about all the time with her are now so hard to explain and just so much easier to bottle up inside? Yes, I can pull out the "God is always there" BS card, but what good would that really do? God doesn't hold me at night when I'm crying myself to sleep. God doesn't comfort me when the pain won't stop and all I want to do is scream. God doesn't give me feedback on what I should do in a tough situation...in fact, God doesn't give me feedback on anything. So, in response the the copout answer of "God is always there" or "God is always your friend" its bull shit. He's not, if he was my friend I would know that he was there, instead of wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why no one in this damn place wants to be around me.

If he is supposed to be the great comforter, then why do I feel no comfort?
If he is supposed to be omni-present, then why am I always so alone?

I love my sister

My sister came and visited me this weekend, it was a very short visit, but a good one. All of my friends are off at Universities and they all have been begging me to come and visit all the time, and I have visited once or twice...I bearly have time for myself right now, let alone affording the gas for the trips there and back. Well for the first time, someone visited me. :)
She came over, and we ended up having to clean...but then we just hung out, talked about important things and not so important things (for the first time in a few weeks), watched Pursuit of Happyness, played dress up, acted crazy, took lots and lots of stupid pictures, and were just us...crazy ol' us. We sludged around in the morning...dragging our feet knowing that she had to go but we were going to prolong it as long as possible. And once again, she left with a piece of my clothing and I still have one of her's. She has made my week...its my bit of happyness in the midst of sickness (lots of meds), crap-loads of school work and work work, and everything else. She is my escape.
I love her. Forever, sisters by fate. -=**=-

Grumble Grumble

This weekend I finally got my room clean. The only thing that actually got me to do it was the fact that we are getting heat and ac put in and there are people in the house. Those of you who know me know that me getting my room clean is a HUGE accomplishment, well, not only did I get it clean but I also moved a new desk and bookself into my room, and I rearranged all of my funiture. Well, while doing all of this there are massive amounts of dust and dirt and crap going every where. I swept about five times and vacumed and its still dirty in here. Well, after I got my room done, the guys got here to start putting in the unit. Well they are in the attic, which is right infront of my room, tearing up insulation and dry wall and all this mess is falling into my room...to top it all off, its getting to be fall and that means that my allergies are going nuts. So between all of this mess, I am one giant snot and mucus ball.
This morning I woke up 10 min. before class started and it takes 20 min. to get there. So I was late. So I threw on the same clothes as yesterday, grabbed my portfolio and tackle box (the bear essentials) and left. So I get to class, late, start working, realized about half way threw the class that my whole left side of the project was messed up. Went to the bathroom to take a break and when I looked in the mirror I looked like a dead person. The palest skin with the darkest circles under my eyes, plus I didn't have on any eyeliner to cover up the fact that I am missing eyelashes from my styes (more allergies.) Then I realize that I just started the week of Hell that visits all women every month, with no tampons...no pads...no nothing...so, I had to run around asking people if they had anything, luckily someone did. Well, I get out of class early because it was a critique day, so I get my craving food...double cheeseburger from McDonalds, and go home. I get home and it is FREEZING! The weather all of a sudden changed and we have no heat yet...so I'm cold, lighting candels to try to heat up my room, bundled up in a longsleeve shirt with a hoodie over top, sweatpants on and knee high fuzzy socks. I am so ready to just screw the rest of the day and just lay around doing nothing. But I might have to meet with my employer (which means lots of driving, and having to make myself presentable and nice and friendly...and compitant) to discuss my next job. Plus I have to write a rough draft of my essay for English which is due in the morning.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! boo hoo hoo! *wine wine wine*
grumble grumble grumble....*sigh*
:( I want bed. I want sleep. I want sleep now. wahh!

In Rememberance

Even though this is four days late...
I have been watching an old comedy blog site where a man who lives in Brooklyn talks about what happens in the world every day in a very Jon Stewart kind of way. Well I came along the week of 9-11-06 and he talked about what he where he was that day. It was the very first episode where he decided to take on a very serious manner and dedicate that episode to it. After watching it, I started to think about where I was that day.
I remember sitting in school in seventh grade and no one saying anything different than normal...but I knew something was wrong. My history teacher had a perpetual look on his face...I don't know how to describe it, but it wasn't right. On the bus ride home, the bus always stopped by the high school to pick up the high schoolers and then continue on with the bus ride. My brother was in high school then, and I was friends with a few of his friends. One of our mutual friends came up to my window and asked if I knew what happened. I said no, and asked her to tell me, she told me that my brother would tell me. When he got on the bus, I could see the same expression in his face that I saw in my history teacher's. I asked him what happened and the only thing he said to me the whole ride home was, "You don't know?...I'll tell you when we get home." I sat there, impatiently, wanting to know what was wrong, but still happy in my ignorance. As we arrived home the first thing my brother did was turn on the tv. The news was on, this was strange because it was 3pm on a week day and usually it was a soap opera or cartoon or something to that effect. As I watched the first glipses of video clips of a burning building in New York, my brother then explained to me that somebody hijacked two planes and crashed them into the Two Towers in New York. We just sat there, watching the nausiating video of the planes crashing into the buildings, and the buildings collapsing, again and again. We just watched in silence and cried.
Mama had us go do our homework.
The next day our teachers told us that the reason we were no informed was because they did not want us in a panic about it the rest of the day. (Bull shit, they just don't know how to tell teenagers that there was just a terrorist attack.) When I got to my history class (my favorite class) he had the news on, all it was about was the attack. He would intermediatly answer questions, comfort crying people, and say a few comments. As I watched the news features, we started to see close ups of things falling from building that looked like debri. I remember the news caster woman was crying, she said "we thought it was debri at first, but it turns out its people jumping from the buildings." It struck a chord in me and I just pulled my sweatshirt over my face and cried.

Today, after thinking about these things, I started looking up video clips from the attacks, I started remembering the bits and pieces of thoughts that went through my head as I saw these things the first time. Bannana peel, remembering what it looked like when the first tower collapsed. Snow, remembering the smoke clouds moving as fast and as hard as tsunami. Then I watched a youtube collage video that included the same clip that I saw the day after 9-11 in my history class. It struck the same chord, but instead, this time it struck harder and deeper. I began to cry harder than I ever had on the subject of 9-11. I realized, they stopped showing those clips very early on because people want to detatch themselves from the pain and sorrow that reaps from it. But also, because if we watch it over and over, we in turn become numb to it, and think nothing of it.
Think something of it today...If 9-11 passed you by this year without you feeling too much sorrow, watch this.

Gone

My words don't come out right, so tonight music will be my voice.

"I know you're gone,
I know you're leaving me
behind your dreams,
behind your prayers."
"I'm on my own now
What do I see,
what do I feel,
what do I love?"
_________________________
"Tear out your hair
if you can't bear any more
It's the same as yesterday
It stays around,
locks the door
See, now here is the fear
that you live with every year
And you wonder if you'll make it out alive"
"Take a minute to reflect in your own way
Take your time and connect in your own way"
"And even though you get along somehow
You're messing up now in your own way, baby"
"You were told not to relate
Or reveal the feelings that could only more complicate
You turned to stone just to feel
Somehow permanent & real
And you hate all those who’d ever dare remind"

"and when I fall down on my face am I home?"
____________________________
"I don't care about these permanencies
When you wannna stop, just go"
"I wanna go mad for a minute
I just wanna be in it"
"Cause I don't wanna be black,
don't wanna be white
Don't wanna be obvious
Making you a promise that I'll go out swinging"
"And even when the complications settle in
And even when I try to put it in its place
And even when the glue around me doesn't stick
And all the walls around me crumble brick by brick"
"And I wanna go mad, I wanna go mad
I wanna go mad for a minute
I just wanna be in it, I do"
______________________________
"Unravel me
a distant cord
on the outside is forgotten
a constant need"
________________________________
"Though i've tried,
i've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up"
"We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste
of losing everything i've held so dear"
"Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I've lost to those i thought were friends
To everyone i know"
________________________________________________________________________

Wishing...

I wish I could just fast forward to about 2 1/2 days from now so that I was just at the beach with my family, soaking up the sun and not having a care in the world about anything...about jobs, about school, about how I am going to beable to afford gas next month with barely any income...about cleaning, about John who is moving to Georgia and I probably won't see him untill next summer...about boys, the lack there off, whether or not I care about that...about everything. But, sadly...I can't. I have to sit out tomarrow, the day after, and the next morning before I can even start all of that forgetting.

I am mostly packed, and my room (which was supposed to be 100% clean before I left for the beach) is now even more of a mess than it was before I did laundry and packed. I still have to go to old navy and (hopefully) get 2 pair of jeans, because I currently only have one pair that you can't see my ass in. How I am supposed to easily afford that...not sure. I have to go buy all of my school books tomarrow, which is going to be about $500. How I am supposed to afford that at all...not sure. Currently, as I look at it, after books, gas for the trip and back, and clothing for school, I will be left with about $140 to my name. And I am supposed to be getting my tattoo within the month, which is going to cost about $150.
*Sigh*
And so, I am left wishing that it were 2 1/2 days from now so that I can stop caring about all of this for about 6 or so days.

Breathe...

"'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe..."

I know these words, front to back, inside and out...and yet, they still catch me off guard and smack reality in my face. So I knew that peace wasn't going to last long...and it didn't. I am now trying to get rid of the horrible damage I have done to my room over the last 3-4 months in about 2-3 days inbetween working and getting ready for school and seeing some of my friends for the last time in probly 5 months. I am also on a very very tight spending limit, which isn't very nice when I have to buy all of my textbooks within the week which is going to be about $500. And to top it all off the dryer has just decided that it is going to die when I have one load of wet laundry in it and another in the washer machine, so I just hung up 2 full wet loads of laundry to dry.
I know I'm complaining and I shouldn't, I should just shut up and deal with it...
so I'm breathing... or atleast trying to.

Peace

I don't really know how to describe how I have been feeling lately. Not melencholy. Not necessarily full of joy. Not very stressed. Maybe...just maybe I am tasting a bit of peace. Very very seldom in my life have I experienced peace so, I have a hard time realizing what this feeling is.
I have never really looked for peace, I've always just been content with what I have when ever I have it, not really giving a crap about "true joy and purpose" for my life which is what all the leaders of my church try to get us youngen's to accept. Its not that I don't want peace...God no that's not it...I have always just looked at life in the perspective that life is hard and there are very few times in life where things are just peachy and good and that there are hardly any complaints. Life sucks sometimes, for about 75% of the population (my estimation) life sucks most of the time, so I just accepted suckiness.
Well, these past 2 weeks or so have been not sucky...not stressful, not crazy busy, but...peaceful. I got my laptop, went on my missions trip (which was great), I am completly registered and paid for for my first year of college, and I have just started a six week workout plan and I am doing well and staying motivated. So what is there to worry about? Maybe the fact that I'm trying to find things that I cant complain about.
I know, I know, stop fretting and just soak it up while you can, right?...Trying. Just an odd thing for me to do. I know this won't last long, so hopefully I can let is sink into my skin and just be.

Color Blind

Oh, how I wish.

So, where does sleep come in?

________________________________

Need I say more?

Measure up...

Just too short, and not getting any taller...ever. Guess I don't measure up.

Graduating? Really?

So, I'm gradutating...Saturday, its kinda wierd. They will be shipping me off to *duh-duh-duuuuhhh* The Real World where evil adults live and people work at places called full time jobs and we are forced to accept the mediocore middle classed lifestyle of this world, sluging to work with dread every day wondering "is there really a point? Is this really what I went to 4 years of college for and spent all of my parent's money for?" rather than the dreams of children to always have fun, not go to work to get money but because you love it, not to compromise your happiness for better benefits...I am to become....An Adult!

Yeah, screw that. I don't want to end up being that part of my mother that is absolutly consumed by my work. (sidenote-she hates that part of herself as well, not knocking my mother, I love her more than anything) I still want to be married have have kids before I'm 30. Yes, to some that may seem early, or rushing things, and a bit nieve...but that's what I have always wanted, to be a mother of two, one boy one girl, boy first. That is the part of my mother that I never want to let go of, I want to be a mother more than anything. Yes, my schooling and career is important, and yes, I do have to have money in order to raise childern properly. But honestly, I would much rather be poor and happy with children, than wealthy and advancing in my career with no children and not happy. I don't want to wake up in the morning dreading work and hating what I do everyday...I have already had to deal with that during school, and was only done so that I can go to college and just take the classes I need for my job and get a job that I love to do and that I enjoy going to everyday. Why would you go to work for someone or something that you hate, it makes no since. But as we grow up we let go of those dreams and wishes we had as children, me make one compromise, saying its ok, I need it. Then we make another compromise and another and another, and soon we end up somewhere we had no intention of being. Living a mediocore life, only kind of happy, going to a job that I hate to do.

So as I am being shoved out into The Real World I am going to try my absolute hardests to not make compromises, to stay true to my dreams and wishes. Because that is what this life is about, making it the best you can ever have, because it goes by so fast, and you don't want to miss any of it, or end up with handfuls of regrets and no memories. I will stay close with my best friend from high school, despite the statistics. I will enjoy my job that I choose to take, despite the statistics, and if I don't, I will quit and find one that I do love.

You only live once, so I plan on doing it right the first time.

Sick

I'm sick...and I feel miserable. I spent all day yesterday sleeping and throwing up. I have somehow managed to stay healthy for a long time. I think it has actually been since Christmas, and other than allergies I have been pretty good. I don't know what it is, but its awful. Horrible headache, constant stomach pains, no appitite at all (all I have eatin in the last day and a half is a single poptart and a gatoraid), spontanious vomiting, very weak and tired. Uhg. And now I have to go to school so that I can take my SOL, which if I don't take I don't graduate...lets just hope that I don't get sick at school again.

For someone as myself who gets sick quite often, I absoloutly HATE being sick.

Mental Health Day

oh, goodness. I woke up way way late today because I forgot to turn my alarm clock back on from this weekend. So I decided (with the aproval from my mother) that I would take a "mental health day". I love that my mother introduced these days to me and my brother...we only take them maybe once-twice a year, but they are very nice and very refreshing, its like a small taste of summer vacation.
Well, after I called my mother to ask if I should or shouldn't go to school, I went back to sleep (after briefly making sure that Abigal and Bionca (the ducklings) had water) and slept untill my mother called around 1:30pm. I got up, gave Abigal and Bionca some clean water, got on the computer did a quick thing for my mother, checked my email and played around on the computer, came back to my room and played with the ducklings for a while, then Amanda called to make sure I wasn't sick since I wasn't at school. I vacumed and spot treated my carpet and febreezed and air-freshioned my room, which was covered in duck feed and dried wet spots from the ducks, and smelled pretty bad. I went to Hertzler's Farm and Feed to get Abigal and Bionca a new water feeder (rather than the small tape container I had been using), came home, set it up, started to clean their brooder, and now I am trying to get the cleaner product out of the mat that is for the bottom of the brooder by putting it in the washer machine with no soap...I think its working, not sure yet.
Well, what I have left for today, is finishing the brooder once the mat is dry, 2 worksheets for homework, put away some laundry, and possibly make dinner for my father. After that I think I will watch a movie in my room with some popcorn, call the boy and go to sleep before 11pm, after I set my alarm clock and make sure its on.
*sigh* What a wonderful, lazy, accomplishing day. :)

I have ducks!

Yes, I have ducks! Two! They are yellow, and fuzzy, and they quack!
My two friends from guard have for a while played around with the idea, but I knew that my parents would never let me. Well, apparently they had been collaborating with my mother. Sammi (one of the friends) had told me on my birthday (Wed.) that I had to get my present on Fri. after practice. So I went home and came back when it was time. I get in the doors and the whole guard is standing there and they sing happy birthday to me, and as the song finishes, Sammi walks up with a 1-2 week old duckling in her hands and gives it to me, Amy is followed by her with the other....I was speachless, all I could get out was "Mommy said yes? I have duckies! I have duckies! They are sooo cute, oh my god I have duckies!" :)
Needless to say they are absolutly adorable and so much fun to love on and watch! Yes, my mother is in a slight panic about how to build/or/buy the pin in which they will live once they are big enough to be outside. But currently they are in my room, and I am in the process of naming them. :)
I'm so happy!

18...its wierd

So, after 18 years...I'm here, I have finally reached "adult hood". And its wierd, and I don't feel like an adult...I can't even make a decision about a bathing suite on my own without consulting my mother and two friends. But, yes, this is me...18 years old, coloring on the kids menu at Olive Garden, constantly holding my stuffed animal duck and giggling with my friends. Though my birth certificate says I'm 18, today, I feel 6. :) and I LOVE it! I love my friends whom are also perpetually 6 years old, I love that they do so much for me and we have so much fun together. I am so excited, I get to go to my friend's fashion show for my birthday this weekend (yes, my friend is a model and she is going to be in a fashion show because she is awsome) and then we are going to stay up all night doing silly girly things to continue celebrating my birthday. I love my friends, I love my family, I love that my aunt calls me at 7:15am to sing me happy birthday, I love that my grandmother does the same later that day, I love that my (other) aunt, and uncle and cusin all get on the phone to do the same later. I love that my sister breaks into my locker and puts lots and lots of stuff in it and then writes on my car window that it is my birthday. I love that my friend stays up late to make me very creative cookies that are very good. I love that the three of us will go out of our way to make the guys that are checking us out drool and realize that they don't have a chance. I love that we try on dresses just for the hell of it and have an amazing time doing it. I love my friends, I love my family. Today, I love my life.

Love?

Can it really happen like it does in the books? Do some fairy tales turn into real life stories? Could it really happen? Does it really feel like this, like they decribe it from the princess's view? Could he really be "prince charming"?

Sometimes when I'm with him, I start to wonder these things. I don't know what it is...maybe its just being a girl, a 17 year old nieve little girl. But, its like my head is caught up in the clouds, and I'm walking on air. Knowing that you love someone, and without a doubt knowing they love you back , and that you can trust them with anything, is the most amazing feeling. And this what gets me caught up head over heals, wondering...is he the "prince charming"?

I'm such a girl!

Not ready

As life as an "adult" (if you really want to call it that) is rearing its big scary ugly head up at me, it is all coming faster and faster.
I was one of the few that realized that everything goes by really fast and that I should hold onto every moment. But for some reason its like life has been put on fastforward. I am graduating soon, prom is in less than a month as well as another chorus concert and my birthday. Guard will be officially over next Saturday...and just typing that makes me cry. It is one of the hardest things I am going to have to give up and I am so not ready for it. I'm not alowed to come back to assist/teach/or tech for another year along with either DCI or WGI under my belt, and honestly I don't know if that will happen because I have school, and frankly I am so sick of freaking school I want it done as soon as possible. I also highly highly doubt that I could even get into a corp or independent group.
I am not one of those kids so eager to leave their hometown and get as far away from my parents as I can. I love the small country town I live in, I love my parents more than anything. I love my friends, I love my guard......I love my guard, I love my guard. I don't want to leave them, and I have to. It sucks, major ass. (sorry)

I'm not ready...I don't want to be ready yet. But life doesn't stop for the insecure....and unfortunatly I am one of the insecure.

Free Hugs!

Just watch it...hug someone today!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

My love for guard

Over the last four years I have spent over 1000 hours practicing, almost $3,000, and have preformed close to 100 times for colorguard and winterguard. I have poured my heart and soul into this program, many times putting my health at risk for the better of the team and program. When I first cam to tryouts for junior guard in eigth grade I had no idea that I would give care or love so much for this program. But just the same I had no idea that I would recieve so much in return. Guard is the one and only thing that I got right, the only thing that I am good at.
When I am watching a really good guard (ex: Pride, Fantasia, Aimatchi, Onyx, West Johnson, ect.) my heart starts pounding in my chest, I find myself holding my breathe, hardly blinking because I don't want to miss a single moment, on the edge of my seat. Being able to experience that and being able to be a part of that is one of the greatest gifts I could recieve.I am now having to let go of all of this, having to say goodbye to these things that I love to do, the people that I do it with, and I never realized how hard it was going to be. Yes, I still have the possibility of marching corps or going independent however, money problems still get in the way, so I might not. It is just so hard to let go of the thing that my life has centered around for the past 4 1/2 years, to move on from the thing that has been my life. But I guess that is a part of "growing up" and "becoming an adult." (which I know I truly won't for a few years now...I'm still a kid)
Tonight, after alittle tiny encouragment, I started to look at what corps I would want to march if I do, and what independent guard I would join. I started to realize that not only do I really really want to march corps and independent, but I have no idea how I'm going to either afford it or get sponsored or even have time for it....the "plan" is that I am taking the summer off from guard other than any spinning I do on my own and maybe a First Flight camp, then I will join the Powhatan Independent guard (if it exists) or another, and then the next summer I will join a corp, my dream is to either join the Blue Devils or Phantom Regiment....wow, I'm a BIG dreamer...but that's just me I guess, always getting my hopes up.

My amazing fun with gravity and it's betrayal

So, yeah, I was having alot of fun with fuete (not really how you spell it I'm sure) jump. I love them, they make me happy...not really sure why, just do. So anyways, I had been doing them a few times in a row when my brain all of a sudden said "do a tour jute" (also really not how you spell it) well, a tour jute is a fute jump but switching your legs, so you land on the other foot. (Just so you know, a fute is like a jump on one foot but with a turn.) Well, my brain said this half way through my jump, also while I was leaning way too far over. So, yeah, while I was in the air there came point when I go "I'm parallel to the floor, why is my foot not on the floor?" BAAM!!! I was about 4-5 feet in the air, face down, parallel to to floor, (no mat) and just fell flat on the gound...I basically did a belly flop on the floor. I had no idea what happened...I think the only thing that kept me from crying was that I just started laughing at what had just happened. At that moment, the girl I was jumping with (she was watching me then) freaked out, so scared for my life...my instructor couldn't form a complete sentence she was so scared I had seriously hurt myself...and the rest of the guard was struck with confusion and laughter. Honestly, it didn't hurt at first. It felt like someone stuck a live wire in my spine, my body was buzzing and shaking. And still I am laughing... So I get up do my final full run of the show because it was the end of practice, still kind of in shock. After the run I was sitting down, and my knee was hurting, so I pulled up my pants to look at my knee...it was purple. This morning (the day after) I woke up, and my right foot, ankle, knee, and hip are all bruised and very very sore. My neck is still hurting because my head was sideways when I landed. Also, my ribs were hurting, I blamed it on just practicing yesterday...nope, through out the day my ribs were hurting worse and worse, they are bruised, possibly cracked...yeah, well there is nothing you can do for cracked ribs other than ice, advil, and wrapping it. (which is what I'm doing already) So, today's practice was so much fun, especially since I had to learn a new handstand thing, and new movement on rifle.
So needless to say, I hurt right now, everywhere and alot. However I still think that it is hallarious that I did that...As my mother said when I told her this story "Megan, usually you're pretty gracefull....but I dont' know what happened." :P
Now, I can't make fun of Marc about gravity any more.... :)

Coffee (and a chocolate muffin too)

What makes coffee so special? Or even a chocolate muffin to go with the coffee? The person that spends 2 hours with you drinking coffee, slowly eating a muffin (and making a mess while doing it.) The person who attempts to put together a puzzle with you that has half of its pieces missing. The person who looks at you being just you and only you, and accepts you completely. That person that you can just look at being silly or goofy and you can't help but smile because its those little quirks that make you like them so much.
Coffee just by it self isn't all that special, even with a chocolate muffin to go with it. Its that person that makes it so special. Thank you for making my coffee (and muffin) so amazingly special today. :)

Sad attempt of a prose poem

So many things to do,
So many things to be.
Day after day,
Night after night,
Never sleeping,
Never eating,
And always hoping for relief.

One of these days,
They will see.
One of these days,
It will stop.

Maybe when they see,
That the weight is braking me.
Maybe when they know,
That the wieght is killing me.

Procrastination

My whole life is shoving crap in my face that I have to do all at once and the more stuff I get, the more I put off. Its really sad. Staying up untill midnight finishing papers and make up work, finally giving up and going to bed, going to school, finishing last touches during first blocks, practice, work or church or more homework.....oy. I hate school. Thank God it won't take me long to get my degree and I will be done with school. 3 more months and I will be done with stupid crap drama High School. :) yay.

Roller Coaster

Up-down-up-down, will my brain make up its mind before it throws up through my eye sockets? I don't get it...one second I'm normal (as normal as I can be) and the next I'm screaming and yelling at someone for something that I would usually just laugh at, and the next second I'm crying on my knees trying to keep those horrible thoughts out of my head-telling those voices to shut up and leave me alone. And once again I switch, I am now hyped up like an ADHD kid without his ridlin. I don't get it! What is the matter with me? Why can't I control this, its my body, my life, I should be able to control myself.
Although I have one constant...I'm thankful that it is a constant however I am un thankful that it haunts me so. This one that will never leave, never shut up. We have this love/hate relationship. I find myself hating her somedays, wishing I could live without her, but then I start to realize that I need her. I need her strength and her power that she holds over me.
Am I crazy? I guess I am...whatever.
Must go, the ride is starting again, I only get the brief break to stand up pick another seat and get back on the roller coaster.

Yes I dance DO in my underwear thank you very much!

Its amazing how much you miss something once you don't have it. I have been out of dance for a while now (other than the classes I took this summer) and I am really really missing it. I sooo want to take point but I am too old to start at "my level" or really what they think my level is because I've been out of it for so long. God I want to do it again. My mother doesn't think its a good thing to actually persue it because of the environment that is there, but I think it is so worth it, I mean as long as you go to the right kind of place then there is no problem...oy, I'm ranting...
In short...I need to dance.

What do you want?

Why you would basically disown me...not sure. Why you would just completly treat me like shit when I did nothing wrong...not sure. Why I will never be enough for you...really not sure. I try, I am not mean to you, I don't do anything to you, yet somehow I deserve to be walked on and ignored...as I recall we used to be friends. You "grew up" and became someone I hated...mind you I don't hate people, but I hated this person you were/are becoming. You pulled this "greater-than-thou" shit on me everyday, pointing out ever single little miniscule thing I did wrong. What do you want? What do you want from me? You are better than me I get it! You dont' have to rub it in my face day after day after day. Tell me what I am doing wrong and I'll fix it or deal with it and treat me with the same respect that I treat you.

I love you

Have you ever just stopped to think, what if today I get a phone call telling me that my brother/mother/father/sister/best friend/close relative died? Have you ever thought about what your reaction would be right then at that moment? Would you feel regret for not telling them that you love them or that the last time you talked to them you said something mean? Or would you not beable to move, talk, breathe because of the pain you are in, could you comprehend it? How long would it take for you to stop crying?
I just came home from a funeral about 20 min. ago. All I can think right now is; please oh God, let my family and friends know I love them. I can't stop telling my family that I love them over and over, not knowing when I will see or hear from them again. I am living every single moment as if it were my last, trying not to screw things up, as I usually do. I hope that all of you know I love you, I hope that all of you know that I care so deeply about you. Please don't ever forget that. Please.
From this moment forward, please, tell your friends and family how you feel about them, don't waste a moment. This life doen't last long. Its here one minuet and gone the next. Treat it that way, make every moment count.Please. I love you, and don't forget that.

Another?

Yes, once again, I'm starting a blog. I first had a xanga site, then I got a myspace, and recently facebook, and now this. (Really the only one that I actually blogged on was xanga.) Well, I found this through my aunt, she had started one, I've been reading, and I really wanted to comment, couldn't-not a member. So here I am, lured, like a fish to a worm, like a cat to bird, like a kid to candy...yeah, you get it.
I'm here.